Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Cool Photography Jaunt.
This grave yard was incredible. a friend and i shot 212 photos in less than an hour. check it out at my picasa web album site. http://picasaweb.google.com/docscape/WernerSAutoGraveyardJanuary2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Mood Swings
Being aware of my bipolar disorder, or condition as i prefer to call it, has helped tremendously with my understanding of why i seem to get naturally high sometimes, then feel like death is the only solution others. At least i can put a name on it. I can also use it as a basis for relating to others who experience similar mood swings. these relationships form the basis for the majority of my psychotherapy. however without the meds, i couldn't relate to anything or anyone, since my head would be so clouded that i couldn't concentrate for any length of time necessary for understanding.
If you've ever experienced hypomania, and many have at some point in their lives, you know how good it can make you feel. When i get it, not only do i feel good, I feel like i can take on the world. It's really addictive and can be one wild rush, until someone tries to take it from you. Then you just get pissed off. When manic, I need to be left alone, often with my journals or camera. If i don't get what i think i need at the moment, I become incredibly violent towards everything that comes between me and my desires. It's at this point when the mania can become dangerous, damaging friendships, relations with family members, and even society as a whole. If left untreated, it can literally drive me insane, even to the point of being delusional. Often times i'm totally unaware that I'm acting any different than "normal," until someone lets me know it.
Manic people often choose mania over "normalcy," by not taking their mood stabilizers. this can be very dangerous. most mood stabilizers require a certain constant level in the blood in order to work correctly. it can take days to get to that level, and simply missing a dose or only taking a portion of it can disrupt this level. It can be very unpredictable what happens when this level goes down. The person is used having a certain level of stability, and when this mood stabilizer fails to work properly, they can get "high" beyond recognition. They feel awsome, and like most addicts could care less about the consequences of their actions.
Another consequence of a low mood stabilizer level is the inevitable fall. Bipolar condition is characterized by mania followed by depression, and back to mania and so forth in waves. The higher the up, the lower the corresponding low. It's at this time when depression can be incredibly dangerous. since mood stabilizers act by leveling out the waves, a lower level can cause extreme fluctuations in moods. while the high may be addictive and "fun" most fail to realize that it will have to have that low in order to balance out.
For a bipolar person, these swings can literally be hell sometimes. i know if i ever run out of meds, it usually only takes a few hours before i start feeling the effects of it. without my anti-depressants, i begin to feel like i'm tripping. I've seen paint melt on the wall, and also tend to ignore anyone who speaks to me. I begin to sleep all the time, and it can be horrible on all those who have to deal with me. without the mood stabilizers, i have the ups first. if i have plenty of anti-depressants in me, then i can remain high indefinitely. then lows are usually triggered by interruptions in my "needs." it can seem like the end of the world.
last november i ran out of all medications. i was jobless at the time and couldn't afford to buy any more. about a week later, the side effects were tremendous. not only did i have extreme swings, I couldn't concentrate on anything. i had conducted the worst interview of my career. I couldn't answer any questions and could only draw stick figures on the white board which only vaguely represented my knowledge. in fact one of the interviewers even walked out of the room. i was sweating and shaking the whole time. all i could do was apologise.
during that same time, i was also having panic attacks at night. i couldn't sleep and felt like i couldn't breathe. In fact i couldn't breathe. a deep breath was impossible. it got so bad at times i almost called the emergency line. one morning i actually drove myself to the urgent care. i was ready then to commit myself to a hospital until i could get things straightened back out. I literally felt like i was going to die.
both of these episodes are called panic attacks. nothing can be done when they occur, accept get the meds and professional help. don't hesitate to call anyone, especially if you feel like you may injure yourself or others. it is these extreme highs and lows when we can be most vulnerable to psychotic episodes. with proper therapy and medication, all bipolar people can be helped. make sure you educate yourself as to your condition, and you absolutely must get a competant psychiatrist who knows how to handle bipolar disorder. some doctors prescribe the wrong medications, which can actually make the situation worse. this happened to me before i met my last doc. i didn't realize anything was wrong, but the doc was diagnosing me as depressed and prescribing the highest doses of zoloft and cymbalta without any mood stabilizer at all. i was in constant utter delusional mania. once i started learning about bipolar disorder, i began to realize that was my symptoms by the book, he ignored everything i told him and refused to help me. so i fired him. don't let this happen to you.
i run a small peer support group in my home town for mental health conditions. i feel it as part of my mission to assist those with these problems so they can avoid many of the situations i had to face. i'm constantly learning about bipolar disorder and how to treat it. i've been told by some that i should seriously think about turning it into a career. i've really grown to enjoy helping others with problems similar to my own. perhaps someday, i will persue that path...
If you've ever experienced hypomania, and many have at some point in their lives, you know how good it can make you feel. When i get it, not only do i feel good, I feel like i can take on the world. It's really addictive and can be one wild rush, until someone tries to take it from you. Then you just get pissed off. When manic, I need to be left alone, often with my journals or camera. If i don't get what i think i need at the moment, I become incredibly violent towards everything that comes between me and my desires. It's at this point when the mania can become dangerous, damaging friendships, relations with family members, and even society as a whole. If left untreated, it can literally drive me insane, even to the point of being delusional. Often times i'm totally unaware that I'm acting any different than "normal," until someone lets me know it.
Manic people often choose mania over "normalcy," by not taking their mood stabilizers. this can be very dangerous. most mood stabilizers require a certain constant level in the blood in order to work correctly. it can take days to get to that level, and simply missing a dose or only taking a portion of it can disrupt this level. It can be very unpredictable what happens when this level goes down. The person is used having a certain level of stability, and when this mood stabilizer fails to work properly, they can get "high" beyond recognition. They feel awsome, and like most addicts could care less about the consequences of their actions.
Another consequence of a low mood stabilizer level is the inevitable fall. Bipolar condition is characterized by mania followed by depression, and back to mania and so forth in waves. The higher the up, the lower the corresponding low. It's at this time when depression can be incredibly dangerous. since mood stabilizers act by leveling out the waves, a lower level can cause extreme fluctuations in moods. while the high may be addictive and "fun" most fail to realize that it will have to have that low in order to balance out.
For a bipolar person, these swings can literally be hell sometimes. i know if i ever run out of meds, it usually only takes a few hours before i start feeling the effects of it. without my anti-depressants, i begin to feel like i'm tripping. I've seen paint melt on the wall, and also tend to ignore anyone who speaks to me. I begin to sleep all the time, and it can be horrible on all those who have to deal with me. without the mood stabilizers, i have the ups first. if i have plenty of anti-depressants in me, then i can remain high indefinitely. then lows are usually triggered by interruptions in my "needs." it can seem like the end of the world.
last november i ran out of all medications. i was jobless at the time and couldn't afford to buy any more. about a week later, the side effects were tremendous. not only did i have extreme swings, I couldn't concentrate on anything. i had conducted the worst interview of my career. I couldn't answer any questions and could only draw stick figures on the white board which only vaguely represented my knowledge. in fact one of the interviewers even walked out of the room. i was sweating and shaking the whole time. all i could do was apologise.
during that same time, i was also having panic attacks at night. i couldn't sleep and felt like i couldn't breathe. In fact i couldn't breathe. a deep breath was impossible. it got so bad at times i almost called the emergency line. one morning i actually drove myself to the urgent care. i was ready then to commit myself to a hospital until i could get things straightened back out. I literally felt like i was going to die.
both of these episodes are called panic attacks. nothing can be done when they occur, accept get the meds and professional help. don't hesitate to call anyone, especially if you feel like you may injure yourself or others. it is these extreme highs and lows when we can be most vulnerable to psychotic episodes. with proper therapy and medication, all bipolar people can be helped. make sure you educate yourself as to your condition, and you absolutely must get a competant psychiatrist who knows how to handle bipolar disorder. some doctors prescribe the wrong medications, which can actually make the situation worse. this happened to me before i met my last doc. i didn't realize anything was wrong, but the doc was diagnosing me as depressed and prescribing the highest doses of zoloft and cymbalta without any mood stabilizer at all. i was in constant utter delusional mania. once i started learning about bipolar disorder, i began to realize that was my symptoms by the book, he ignored everything i told him and refused to help me. so i fired him. don't let this happen to you.
i run a small peer support group in my home town for mental health conditions. i feel it as part of my mission to assist those with these problems so they can avoid many of the situations i had to face. i'm constantly learning about bipolar disorder and how to treat it. i've been told by some that i should seriously think about turning it into a career. i've really grown to enjoy helping others with problems similar to my own. perhaps someday, i will persue that path...
Sunday, January 13, 2008
This blog Thing.
i have to admit, i enjoy the blog thing alot. it's now giving me a place to tie together my art that seems to be spread about the internet in literally a thousand places. really. search google for "docscape."
So my topics here are: music, software development, photography, and miscellaneous others. You can find links to my professional software developer profile on LinkedIn. [link on the sidebar.] and i have two photography sites at the moment. DeviantArt and Picasa. Picasa is a more general posting of my prizes, whereas DA is more professional, and you can buy my shit there too!!! While at this time i don't have a site for music, i use this one to post my thoughts on the good stuff in my collection.
I'm continuing to develop those photography sites as fast as this site, so if you haven't yet, you should check those sites out, especially the DA site!!! go buy some art by yours truly. there's some cool stuff... i've managed to sell a small print from the local gallery here where i currently have 30 pieces on display, and i won an international contest, First Place, for the Recovery contest for the Depression and Bipolar Suppurt Alliance last October. i'm having a ball with it...
So my topics here are: music, software development, photography, and miscellaneous others. You can find links to my professional software developer profile on LinkedIn. [link on the sidebar.] and i have two photography sites at the moment. DeviantArt and Picasa. Picasa is a more general posting of my prizes, whereas DA is more professional, and you can buy my shit there too!!! While at this time i don't have a site for music, i use this one to post my thoughts on the good stuff in my collection.
I'm continuing to develop those photography sites as fast as this site, so if you haven't yet, you should check those sites out, especially the DA site!!! go buy some art by yours truly. there's some cool stuff... i've managed to sell a small print from the local gallery here where i currently have 30 pieces on display, and i won an international contest, First Place, for the Recovery contest for the Depression and Bipolar Suppurt Alliance last October. i'm having a ball with it...
The Polyphonic Spree
it seems like everytime i write one of these blogs, I fuck something up. so fuck you if if you care, it's just thoughts. it's how my mind works. yes, I too critique my writing, and I have afterthoughts as well, and i sometimes realize i was wrong. like the brmc post. after i spent more time with all the albums, i think I like them all. but, howl is still my least favorite. end of story there...
i probably didn't explain what it takes to be a sr tech lead either, but who cares. if you really read this blog, then say, "I." that's what i thought. i'm sure like everything else in my bipolar world, and as my brother kip used to say, "i'll catch ya on the flip side." besides i still think my writing on the Cocteau Twins was right on, but even it too could use an encore visit with more detail. then again, maybe i'm just a perfectionist. after all what i'm just trying to do is give you a taste of my world. i think it's fascinating. do you?
So this one is about this marvelous band called The Polyphonic Spree...
When i first heard Tim Delaughter's Tripping Daisy, i was astonished. i believe it was somewhere around 1995. The album was I Am An Elastic Firecracker. at first i was swept away by the roaring guitars, then tim's voice really reminded me of Perry Ferrell, and my mind thought of Jane's when they hit me back in 1991. but it's not jane's, it's different, more raw crude. Very thick and laiden with treasures. That album continues to sweep me away to this day as does jane's of course. you should listen to all of them...
When Jesus Hits Like The Atom Bomb hit town, i was a little disappointed at first, but like i always give a chance. further listens again brought on new meanings in tim's compositions. this album was more cohesive toward the concept album. brilliant in my mind, body, and soul.
Then came the last self titled TD album. again, i was stunned by the concept album thing, and was intrigued by the new sounds they were picking up.
it was right about the same time when the first The Polyphonic Spree album surfaced. This was the remaining members of tripping daisy, after the tragic death of their band member and lead guitarist Wes Berggren in 1999. In fact, according to the wiki, wes' father played piano on the final Tripping Daisy song "Soothing Jubilee.
the spree's sound was very reminiscent of the final TD album. very symphonic. even more so. I guess he had something like 23 members in the band at that time. tim has been noted as labeling it "choral symphonic rock." i'd have to agree. it's was amazing.
then after that i for some reason forgot that the spree might still be a thing for another ten years. finally now, i think i've heard it all. while it sounds to me like many of the spree's LPs sound similar at first, like everything else with time, you see more uniqueness. I'd have to say, that tim is quite the genius. i've always thought that ever since the jesus album. he continues to blow me away!
you must listen to this music... thanks, tim. let us not forget your brilliant band and choir as well. also long live wes.
like after every concert, [applause...]
i probably didn't explain what it takes to be a sr tech lead either, but who cares. if you really read this blog, then say, "I." that's what i thought. i'm sure like everything else in my bipolar world, and as my brother kip used to say, "i'll catch ya on the flip side." besides i still think my writing on the Cocteau Twins was right on, but even it too could use an encore visit with more detail. then again, maybe i'm just a perfectionist. after all what i'm just trying to do is give you a taste of my world. i think it's fascinating. do you?
So this one is about this marvelous band called The Polyphonic Spree...
When i first heard Tim Delaughter's Tripping Daisy, i was astonished. i believe it was somewhere around 1995. The album was I Am An Elastic Firecracker. at first i was swept away by the roaring guitars, then tim's voice really reminded me of Perry Ferrell, and my mind thought of Jane's when they hit me back in 1991. but it's not jane's, it's different, more raw crude. Very thick and laiden with treasures. That album continues to sweep me away to this day as does jane's of course. you should listen to all of them...
When Jesus Hits Like The Atom Bomb hit town, i was a little disappointed at first, but like i always give a chance. further listens again brought on new meanings in tim's compositions. this album was more cohesive toward the concept album. brilliant in my mind, body, and soul.
Then came the last self titled TD album. again, i was stunned by the concept album thing, and was intrigued by the new sounds they were picking up.
it was right about the same time when the first The Polyphonic Spree album surfaced. This was the remaining members of tripping daisy, after the tragic death of their band member and lead guitarist Wes Berggren in 1999. In fact, according to the wiki, wes' father played piano on the final Tripping Daisy song "Soothing Jubilee.
the spree's sound was very reminiscent of the final TD album. very symphonic. even more so. I guess he had something like 23 members in the band at that time. tim has been noted as labeling it "choral symphonic rock." i'd have to agree. it's was amazing.
then after that i for some reason forgot that the spree might still be a thing for another ten years. finally now, i think i've heard it all. while it sounds to me like many of the spree's LPs sound similar at first, like everything else with time, you see more uniqueness. I'd have to say, that tim is quite the genius. i've always thought that ever since the jesus album. he continues to blow me away!
you must listen to this music... thanks, tim. let us not forget your brilliant band and choir as well. also long live wes.
like after every concert, [applause...]
Saturday, January 12, 2008
My New Job: Sr Tech Lead
The past year has been hell. Really, it's been the past few years, but this last was definitely a climax. I hope. It's a long story and I'm not going to start in on that.
However things are starting to look up. After being in a stagnant company for the past two years, then getting laid off, I'm about to get an offer with this really cool consulting company here in Columbus. I've spoken with them in the past out this position and did a little contract work for them before the last job. Now we've been talking again and it looks like they want me full time this time.
The position they need to fill is for Senior Technial Lead. I'd be utilizing all of my past design and development skills to put together teams for whole software projects. It sounds fascinating to me and should be the next logical step in my career as a Software Engineer. This company is also in well on all the newest software technologies, which is a far cry from the last one. It literally took years to get a new piece of software to be introduced into the system due to beurocratic limitations. Government work, trust me, is not the place if you want to keep your career moving forward. I feel a little aged having been in that environment for so long, but that's all about to change. Once again i'll be back at the forefront. Keeping up with technology instead of government.
I will still be developing software with this position. I made it clear that i didn't want to lose that. I will be taking on the root of the problems. Then i will have to design a flexible system that can be developed using the Agile paradigm. Agile stresses fast interative deliverables and open architecture that can be changed midway through development if necessary. This is challenging. It takes years of seeing these systems in action in order to be able to design one from scratch. That's why it requires a senior level developer.
These systems must be able to be broken down into tiny deliverables which can be delivered to the client immediately as they are completed. Systems like this require and lend easily to constant client interaction, since they have sometimes weekly deliverables. Rather than setting up an entire project plan from the beginning and knowing everything up front, Agile systems lay down the milestones, rank them, then develop them without having to know all requirements up front. Project velocity is measured in deliverables rather than milestones. Many deliverables creates many check points. Each deliverable must have demonstrable functionality. Since the system must be developed with all of this in mind, it must be able to accept changes midstream if problems or requirements change.
However things are starting to look up. After being in a stagnant company for the past two years, then getting laid off, I'm about to get an offer with this really cool consulting company here in Columbus. I've spoken with them in the past out this position and did a little contract work for them before the last job. Now we've been talking again and it looks like they want me full time this time.
The position they need to fill is for Senior Technial Lead. I'd be utilizing all of my past design and development skills to put together teams for whole software projects. It sounds fascinating to me and should be the next logical step in my career as a Software Engineer. This company is also in well on all the newest software technologies, which is a far cry from the last one. It literally took years to get a new piece of software to be introduced into the system due to beurocratic limitations. Government work, trust me, is not the place if you want to keep your career moving forward. I feel a little aged having been in that environment for so long, but that's all about to change. Once again i'll be back at the forefront. Keeping up with technology instead of government.
I will still be developing software with this position. I made it clear that i didn't want to lose that. I will be taking on the root of the problems. Then i will have to design a flexible system that can be developed using the Agile paradigm. Agile stresses fast interative deliverables and open architecture that can be changed midway through development if necessary. This is challenging. It takes years of seeing these systems in action in order to be able to design one from scratch. That's why it requires a senior level developer.
These systems must be able to be broken down into tiny deliverables which can be delivered to the client immediately as they are completed. Systems like this require and lend easily to constant client interaction, since they have sometimes weekly deliverables. Rather than setting up an entire project plan from the beginning and knowing everything up front, Agile systems lay down the milestones, rank them, then develop them without having to know all requirements up front. Project velocity is measured in deliverables rather than milestones. Many deliverables creates many check points. Each deliverable must have demonstrable functionality. Since the system must be developed with all of this in mind, it must be able to accept changes midstream if problems or requirements change.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Cocteau Twins
There's little more that compares with this magnificent band. Ever since i first heard Heaven or Las Vegas in 1990 (which many fans might consider a sell out album for it's popularity), I've been in love with this band. I have collected every LP, EP, and live recording I could get my hands on. I even spent the $60 bucks in 1995 on the box set.
Not only is their music incredibly relaxing through the etherial guitars of Robin Gutherie, and the beautiful unique voice of Elizabeth Frazier, it can be incredibly haunting both lyrically and music wise. It can also be extremely mysterious at times through Liz' poetry. I used to think that she spoke only in Galic, but since i've listened to the music for so long, coupled with the volumnuous internet, i've been able to decipher much of what she talks about as well.
You must at least look into this band. I'd recommend Four-Calendar Cafe for beginners and Victorialand for my favorite. Remember not to judge too quickly on the first listen, but give the music a few listens until you dismiss it as something that you don't like. It continues to be one of the most incredible bands I've ever heard.
Not only is their music incredibly relaxing through the etherial guitars of Robin Gutherie, and the beautiful unique voice of Elizabeth Frazier, it can be incredibly haunting both lyrically and music wise. It can also be extremely mysterious at times through Liz' poetry. I used to think that she spoke only in Galic, but since i've listened to the music for so long, coupled with the volumnuous internet, i've been able to decipher much of what she talks about as well.
You must at least look into this band. I'd recommend Four-Calendar Cafe for beginners and Victorialand for my favorite. Remember not to judge too quickly on the first listen, but give the music a few listens until you dismiss it as something that you don't like. It continues to be one of the most incredible bands I've ever heard.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - American X Baby 81 Sessions 2nd Listen
There's no doubting that the self-titled BRMC and Take Them On Your Own albums were both kick ass. I lost a little faith on Howl, however my appreciation grew for it over time. And Baby 81 rocks. And add this EP to it and you just augment rockdom, although I'm glad they didn't try to fit these tracks into Baby. You have to take the slow songs with some salt, as that seems to be one of their trademark sounds along with their depressed moods. My first listen was just in passing and I just remember it was good overall. Here are the results of my second listen:
>The Likes Of You - I could've done without it on this listen. I didn't get into it. The beat just keeps going...
>Vision - good track. a little too slow in my opinion, but good none-the-less.
>Show's About To Begin - great groove. I dig it.
>MK Ultra - awsome! "we are the ones that get you high."
>Whenever You're Ready - such a suave song. "come and get me, darling"
>20 Hours - BRMC Does the Cure. It's OK.
>Last Chance For Love - That's a different sound...
Now I have to go listen to Baby 81 again... peace
>The Likes Of You - I could've done without it on this listen. I didn't get into it. The beat just keeps going...
>Vision - good track. a little too slow in my opinion, but good none-the-less.
>Show's About To Begin - great groove. I dig it.
>MK Ultra - awsome! "we are the ones that get you high."
>Whenever You're Ready - such a suave song. "come and get me, darling"
>20 Hours - BRMC Does the Cure. It's OK.
>Last Chance For Love - That's a different sound...
Now I have to go listen to Baby 81 again... peace
Monday, January 07, 2008
Underworld - Oblivion With Bells
Loved it the first time. Really dug it the second. This new Underworld rocks. Like most of their albums, it's different. They haven't lost their touch with what good quality techno is. More vocals on this than in the past. So far i haven't heard a bad song on the album. I'll have to hit you back if i think there's a dud on Oblivion With Bells.
Monster Magnet - 4-Way Diablo First Listen
Well, at first listen the new Monster Magnet 4-Way Diablo is not up to my par. Don't get me wrong, it seems like Monster Magnet, soundwise, but it still lacks the power of Spine of God. Like most bands it's hard to replicate the success of another album. I'll have to give it another listen and see how it strikes me. I never say die until i've heard something 3 times. Unless of course, it is absolutly Britney Spears from the start. Even then i may have to try it again just to make sure i wasn't in a bad mood. i'll have to check back with you later after i've heard it again as to my further review...
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Here we go again...
OK. i'm tired of having to enter stuff into so many sites. i'm going to use this site as purely blog stuff. don't forget to check out my art at http://docscape.deviantart.com/, my fun site at http://www.myspace.com/docscape, and my professional site at http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=15651195.
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